Protection Detail
by PaperHat
Summary: Series of three one-shots exploring a different Protection Detail with Tony. This was written to restore my sanity, the note in chapter one explains all. Hope you like it folks!
1. THE ART GALLERY

_A/N - Okay folks, just to give you a little bit of background to this. I was in Italy recently, with some of the family. It was the vacation from hell for me. ME Wofford thought it would be a good idea to channel the whole bitter experience constructively. This is the first in a set of three stories which have been a somewhat cathartic experience to get the whole "BORED! BORED! BORED!" aspect of my vacation out of my system. __The vacation involved numerous cultural and religious experiences as well as long hours filled with nothing...AND NO DAMN INTERNET ACCESS!!_

_Good reviews, may help ease my pain._

_Oh, one more thing. I've given this a go concentrating purely on the dialogue. Let me know if it works ok._

* * *

**PROTECTION DETAIL: THE ART GALLERY**

"NCIS is covering two rooms here in the East Wing, the remaining two being covered by NSA and the CIA. Tony and Ziva you're in the Romantics Gallery. McGee and I will cover the Impressionists."

"Is that like painting pretending to be paintings, so you get this landscape that actually is a portrait or a portrait that's actually a lan….OW!"

"DiNozzo, if you and Ziva don't get into position now so help me!"

"On it boss. Come on Zee-vah you're with me….we are going to the 'lurve' gallery."

"Agent Gibbs, is there any way, I could go with McGee?...okay, okay, I get it….go with Tony."

"You into art Ziva?"

"I can appreciate some art. I think I like modern art more than old paintings. I like sculpture."

"Ah, you like the whole 'art that is made out of tins cans', or is a painting of basically three different shades of blue that's been painted by an elephant."

"Can we please just sweep the room and have less of the art appreciation?"

"Do you know what I don't get about these paintings?"

"What?"

"They're not very romantic. For a start that one has three women and a guy in it, which in reality is probably quite a hot situation. But look at the clothes, there's at least seventeen layers on that blonde chick alone. I mean that is going to take that guy at least five clear minutes to even get to first base."

"Tony."

"Yeah?"

"Stop it."

"What?"

"There are over twenty paintings in this gallery. If you give me a running commentary on everyone I may have to kill you!"

"You know when you get really angry I get weird thoughts in my head. When I say weird I mean like 'weird' and right now I have thoughts around chocolate body paint."

"Grrr...is that all you can think about?"

"No, sometimes I think about nature and climate change and how the world is getting hotter….much hotter….and…..huh….yeah…that's all I think about….sorry."

"Look, why don't you stand at one end of the room and I'll stand at the other?"

"There's no-one in here Ziva, that's going to look pretty strange."

"Ok. I'm going to clear up in here. You go stand in the corner and….protect."

"This one is called 'Winged Angels of Persecution' which is basically fat teenage girls with wings."

"Angels are not fat teenage girls Tony."

"Certainly not the ones I dated in High School!"

"Hey Ziva look at this, is that guys hand where I think it is?"

"I'm not looking!"

"It is! If you look really closely you can definitely see……oh wow, that is practically pornographic. I didn't know art could be so…….revealing, although I can't see why she doesn't have a smile on her face!"

"Tony, I'm not listening! I cannot wait for this detail to be over!"

"Relax oh uptight one, chill and enjoy the beauty adorning this room, and take a look at the paintings too."

"You are insufferable……hey! What is that you have in your hand?"

"Come over here and find out, my little cultured ninja!"

"Tony!"

"Relax, I'm doing this for the benefit of the art world."

"You can't!"

"Officer David, as your Senior Field Agent, I am ordering you to breathe and be calm. It's all right, I know what I'm doing. I took art classes at college, for a couple of weeks, still life class, one of the best freshman classes I took."

"Tony, stop there's a cam…..do you know what, go right ahead."

"Do you realize how cheap a packet of colored pastel chalks costs these days?"

"No. I think you missed a spot."

"Where?"

"Where you drew the mustache, you've got one whisker slightly longer than the other."

"It's supposed to be that way, it's called 'character' it's 'art' in case you hadn't realized!"

"No, it's a fake mustache and glasses you've just drawn on a painting worth over 20,000 dollars."

"They'll never know it was me. They'd never suspect me, a Federal Agent."

"Oh!"

"What's wrong?"

"I'm going to sweep the room again."

"Good idea Officer David, that way Tony can explain to me why I just caught him on camera vandalizing a painting."

"Hey boss, you seen any colorful pieces of expressionism with Probie Van McGogh?"

"DiNozzo, unless you want the colors black and blue painted on your ass I'd hand over those damn crayons and keep your brain on the job!"

"It's pastels boss, not crayons"

"Don't push it, you are in enough trouble as it is, perhaps a stint on Saturday painting the fence in my back yard might be a more creative use for your artistic talent."

"Aw, come on Gibbs, I've got plans this weekend!"

"Yes you have got plans DiNozzo, painting my fence! Do you realize I'm going to have to spend the next three hours trying to kiss the Directors ass to get your little stunt sorted?"

"Boss, don't do this to me, that fence of yours goes on for miles!"

"Saturday morning 0700 hours Tony or else you're ass is history!"

"Boss?"

"What the hell is it DiNozzo?"

"You're not going to have me hold the brush a particular way and then teach me karate are you?"

"What?"

"Karate Kid…….'sand the floor'…….Mr Miyagi….you really need to get out of that baseme…OW!"

"DiNozzo, if you do not get back to work, I swear I will take a paintbrush and stick it so…"

"Gotcha boss!"

"Aw, my little hairy butt, they do say that some artists suffer with their work"

"That is a statement about art, I think I can appreciate. I think the 'old master' is about to paint me a very bleak future!"

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_Coming Soon...Protection Detail: The Church!_


	2. THE CHURCH

_Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS - sorry forgot to put this on chapter one._

_A/N - Hopefully this won't offend anyone, it's not my intention to do so._

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**PROTECTION DETAIL: THE CHURCH**

"There two main entrances to the Church, Tony and I will take this one here on the left. McGee you and Ziva take the one on the right. The FBI are screening all attendees. When the service starts there will be no one else allowed in. Is that understood?"

"Yes boss!"

"I do not have to remind you that this is a religious service, keep radio chatter to a minimum."

"Uh Gibbs, what kind of service is it? Mormon, Baptist, Christian, Satanists?"

"It's a Roman Catholic Service DiNozzo. Now shut the hell up, it's about to begin."

"Boss, you just said the 'H' word. Won't you get into trouble? I mean like with the man upstairs?"

"Fornell's people are covering the roof Tony, he's not going to give me any hassle is he?"

"I mean like, God!"

"What?"

"God?"

"DiNozzo! What the hell are you talking about?"

"You said it again!"

"What?"

"Hell."

"What have you done now? DiNozzo I swear I'm going to kick your ass if you don't pipe down."

"I'm only trying to look after your soul boss."

"The only sole you should be worried about is the one on the end of my boot when it collides with your a…"

"The…huh…service is starting boss, that's the opening number kicking off."

"Oh for crying out loud, what are you sniggering at?"

"I remember getting piano lessons when I was a kid, my piano teacher Mrs Feechanbacher asked me if I wanted to learn to play with my organ also. She wasn't happy when I said that I practiced every night thank you very much, but I had been told that it was rude to discuss it in front of girls. I swear I still have the scar on the back of my hand where she hit me with the damn ruler."

"I'll hit you myself if you don't keep quiet."

"Boss?"

"Mmm?"

"That nun that's reading those prayers up there, do you think she's blonde or brunette?"

"I don't know DiNozzo, she's a nun for God's sake."

"That's true, she is a nun, for God's sake. I hate nuns."

"You don't know any nuns."

"I did know a fake nun once, she had all the right gear and everything, it was a Halloween party though and I tell you, she sinned that night man, she definitely sinned, I mean she….Aiiieee!!"

"Come on boss, I have sensitive ankles, and you have not so sensitive boots. We are in a holy place, I thought you weren't allowed to be violent in a holy place."

"You ever been in a Catholic school DiNozzo?"

"No"

"Go figure Tony."

"Aaaaalllleeelllluuuuiiiaaa!"

"DiNozzo, you are on protection detail, you really don't have to join in!"

"It's the only word I know, I thought I should join in as a mark of respect."

"You would show more respect if you kept your mouth closed."

"This is so boring. How long can one man talk about one subject? My ears are going to bleed in a minute. You know when I think about it, was Ducky ever a priest?"

"No he was not. I don't think his mom would have been able to cope with her son being a man of the cloth."

"How does everyone manage to keep awake? I mean that guy is seriously sleep inducing."

"Practice DiNozzo, every Sunday, but you _are_ supposed to be listening."

"Boss?"

"What is it now Tony?"

"If I raise my hand, do you think he'll take my question?"

"Tony if you raise your hand, I'll raise mine too, right behind the back of your head."

"Thought you said you weren't going to slap the back of my head here."

"That was before the service started and you started being a pain in the ass, now what the hell was your question anyway?"

"How he does it?"

"Does what?"

"The whole celibacy thing."

"Don't go there."

"Exactly, he doesn't. I mean a man has needs. I mean even nearly men, like McGee and Palmer."

"Tony. Shut up!"

"I can't help it if I'm curious!"

"Well can you be curious about the job we are here to do instead of stupid questions?"

"Oh something's happening boss, there's more music and people are handing out baskets. What's going on? Boss?"

"Calm down Tony, they are collecting money that's all."

"I've only got a twenty. I betcha Probie is panicking all his bills are numbered and indexed in a spreadsheet."

"We don't need to contribute Tony, put your wallet away."

"Oh my God, who the hell is that singing? That is seriously hurting my ears man!"

"DiNozzo, if I have to tell you to pipe down once more I will take you into a confessional and slap you silly. Do you understand?"

"Yes boss…….don't you think those things are kinda hinky?"

"Oh for the love….what Tony….what is hinky?"

"I mean you one side, the priest on the other, telling deepest darkest secrets."

"It's not secrets DiNozzo, it's sins, what you've done wrong."

"Like everything?"

"Yeah, everything"

"Is there a maximum sentence?"

"Hell yes"

"I only asked a question boss."

"Hell is the maximum sentence DiNozzo."

"I think I would spend way to much time in there if I were one of these dudes"

"Ok, Tony, it's the communion time, be on your guard."

"Wonder what it tastes like."

"It's just a piece of wafer Tony."

"Do they come in different flavors like candy?"

"No they do not."

"I guess that would be pretty hard to organize though huh. Would everyone who would like raspberry please form an orderly line down this side of the Church, for those who have expressed a desire for banana flavor please congregate in the centre line and for those who would like a surprise flavor, please gather round up the back and for those who don't give a….."

"OW! Boss, I thought we discussed the whole head slapping thing!"

"I gave into temptation DiNozzo, besides that damn organ is so loud no one will have noticed!"

"You know boss, I don't get why people put themselves through this every week, this has not been fun. It's been like a total butt-paralysing experience."

"It's a religion Tony, some people can't live without it."

"Bit like TV then huh…….OW!"

* * *

_Last chapter will be published soon: Protection Detail - The Airport._


	3. THE AIRPORT

_Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS_

_A/N - This is the last one I'm afraid. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. You guys are the best!_

* * *

**PROTECTION DETAIL: THE AIRPORT**

"Ok, this is the VIP suite in which SecNav will meet and greet and do his thing with Airport Security. The business lounges are further down this corridor, so there is potential for extra wandering traffic, stay alert. We are on detail covering the entrance to the suite and the elevator doors over there. DiNozzo and McGee, you take the elevator, Ziva and I will cover the door. And DiNozzo, you step out of line on this detail and I will personally see that you are desk bound till you retire!"

"That's a little harsh boss, that's a long, long, long, long time. I mean if it was before you retired I could probably cope with that, but me we are talking just a little while long….Owch!"

"Stay….on…..topic….or else!"

"Jeez!...on topic boss!"

"I'm thinking Gibbs is getting a little pissed off with Protection details."

"Ya think Probie? He's like a bear with a sore head, and I know exactly what that feels like!"

"I love airports, always reminds me of being excited about going on vacation when I was a kid, waiting to board the plane, getting new puzzle books for the journey, the whole flying experience and getting fussed over by the flight attendants."

"The only good thing about airports is the little bags of peanuts you get and the oh, so, shapely figures of those sweet little flight attendants."

"Don't you think they all look the same though? They seem to come in batches of about six or eight of them, where there will be one odd one out who is like really old, say around fifty, and is like the mother hen stewardess."

"McGee?"

"Yeah Tony?"

"Nobody ever looks at the old ones. Ooooohhh…..don't you just love the way they stretch and bend to put your jacket in the overhead bin…and then you make up the lame excuse that you've left your pen in your inside pocket, just so they can…..bend and….stretch….to get your jacket back down."

"Why does it always come down to sex with you DiNozzo?"

"Cos I'm a healthy red blooded Italian male that's why! So, did you ever want to be a pilot when you were a kid McGee?"

"Uh, no, fear of heights thing tends to make that type of occupation slightly too ambitious even for an MIT graduate like myself."

"I'd love to be a pilot. Wear that uniform, wear that peaked cap, which is such a chick magnet……Hey Probie! Isn't that a locker room in there?"

"Yeah, it's been swept and vacated. I've got the key here, no-one can get into it…..why are you smiling DiNozzo?….no…no…no…no way…..you are not getting the key!"

"Come on McGee, let me have some fun, this is a way to boring way to spend an afternoon, watching an elevator!"

"Tony, didn't you hear Gibbs? He warned you about stepping out of line!"

"Heads up Probie, elevator is moving."

"Business lounge to your left sir, m'am."

"You know McGee if things don't work out for you at NCIS, I can see you being a flight attendant, you've really got that arm thing sussed. I'm sure you could point out emergency exits like a professional!"

"Very funny Tony, did you see that girl with the trolley case, she looked pretty mean."

"People who fly business are mean because they are on business, people who fly coach are happy, because they are on vacation and the people who fly business on vacation have too much cash and that is why they look mean."

"Did you fly coach on that spring break reunion you took earlier?"

"Yes I did McGee, my offer to screw the ticket lady did not get me an upgrade…..that time!"

"You mean, you've done the business and gotten business before?"

"Oh yeah…..hey, you're distracting me from the locker room, hand over the key!"

"No way!"

"McGee as your Senior Field Agent I am ordering you to hand over that key!"

"I absolve myself from all potential and future blame."

"Thank you McGee, that wasn't so hard was it?"

"What do I say if Gibbs asks where you are?"

"Just tell him I'm trying on a pilot's outfit…..lie convincingly McGee! Tell him I'm double checking your sweep of the room!"

"Oh please don't let Gibbs come near me! Please don't let Gibbs come near me! Please don't let Gibbs come near me!"

"Psst…Probie!"

"Ow! Stop throwing packets of peanuts Tony!"

"Do I look cool or what?"

"Oh my God, I can't believe you stole someone's clothes!"

"Relax McGee, nothing's going to happen!"

"Tony! Elevator!...You're with the VIP party m'am, please report to Agent Gibbs at the door on your right."

"First Officer can you make sure that the crew downstairs are fully briefed on their next route, they are hanging around like witches around a coven."

"Uh…m'am…I'm actually!"

"I insist that you go see to them First Officer, you are indeed a representative of the airline whose uniform you wear aren't you?"

"Actually, he is not m'am, he is one of my NCIS agents who is….uh…just finishing some undercover work…if you'd like to proceed to the door on your right, Officer David will take care of you."

"Okay, very well, thank you."

"Boss, I can explain…..I was talking to McGee about wanting to be a pilot."

"Oh I damn well hope you can explain First Officer DiNozzo, because when we are finished here I want you to use those pilot skills of yours navigate us both back to the Navy Yard, where I might show you how to fly by kicking your ass all the way down the stairs from MTAC!"

"Come on boss, it was just a little harmless fun, don't you think I look cool?"

"DiNozzo, get into that room and get changed, or so help me I will come in there with you and give you a set of stripes that you won't wear on your God-damned sleeves!"

"Yes boss!"

"McGee!"

"Yes boss?...OW!...what was that for?"

"For giving him the key!"

"Owww…..I hate airports!"

"Me too Pilot Probie…..me too!"

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_THE END...I think the trauma is now over!_


End file.
